As the trio stopped in front of the destroyed Eva, its battered form looked even more terrifying. Rivers of bakelite surrounded its looming skull or burst out like geysers from innumerable rips on its body.
"I don't...believe it..." Kensuke muttered as he stared in horror at the Eva's torn up head, "...that beautiful...Evangelion..."
"Gee, this was worse than what happened to my Eva..." Toji said. Meanwhile, Hikari was walking warily around the Eva's head, stepping carefully over the puddles of bakelite.
"Asuka?" she called as she glanced behind the tangled mass. Then, she gasped, causing Toji and Kensuke to quickly run up beside her.
"What's wrong?" Toji asked, as he and Kensuke looked in front of her. Amongst a pile of indiscernible Eva pieces, there was a flattened and dented entry plug. Its door hung open listlessly on smashed hinges and a flood of LCL was oozing out of its numerous cracks like yellow slime. Following the trail of LCL that lead from the entry plug's opening, about six feet away from it was Asuka.
She was cringing down on her elbows and knees. A cataract of blood was pouring down from her left eye and the right arm of her plug suit had been completely ripped off, exposing her bare arm which was nearly split in half from the palm of her hand to the top of her shoulder and had streams of blood running down it and flowing into the oozing LCL. Toji, Kensuke, and Hikari stared at her, too stunned and shocked to speak. Her chestnut red hair was hanging over the side of her face, hiding it from their view, but they could hear her mutter almost inaudibly.
"...Mama...I'm...sorry..." She made a last feeble attempt to crawl forward, but the pain in her body and the exhaustion in her mind were too great and she collapsed on her side.
For a moment, Toji, Kensuke, and Hikari continued to stare in shock until suddenly, before Toji could say anything, Hikari had turned around and buried her face into his jacket and started sobbing. Toji was taken by surprise at this, and he nearly stumbled backwards as she pulled the jacket into her face as her tears began to drench it.
"...why...did those things...do this to her?" she cried as the sobs shook her entire body. "...it's...too cruel..." Toji and Kensuke exchanged baffled looks. Finally, Kensuke walked over to Asuka while Hikari continued to cry into Toji's jacket.
"...Asuka...Asuka..." she wailed. Toji looked down at her sadly.
'Gee, what do you say about somethin' like this?' he thought to himself. Hikari slowly pulled her face away from his jacket and tried to hold back her sobs. Suddenly, she felt his hands on the back of her shoulders and her heart jumped and her face grew hot as she gasped and quickly looked up at him. He looked right back at her and opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Kensuke.
"She's still alive," Kensuke said as he stood up from where he was crouching over Asuka. Hikari hesitated for a moment before walking away from Toji and coming up next to him. She looked down despondently at Asuka. It pained her to see her once strong and outspoken friend now unconscious and helpless, and bleeding terribly from her eye and arm.
"We've got to help her somehow..." she said, stifling the last of her sobs.
"But what can we do?" Toji asked as he came up next to them. "The nearest hospital is miles away, and who knows if people are even still workin' there anymore..."
There was a moment of silence as Hikari looked away sorrowfully, and Toji and Kensuke watched her expectantly. Finally, she turned back to them.
"Aida-kun, help me carry her," she said as she bent down and gently tried to pull Asuka up.
"O-okay," Kensuke replied as he supported Asuka under her left arm while Hikari pulled her over her back. She felt blood rapidly dampen her dress, but she ignored it.
"What are you gonna do?" Toji asked, following after them as they started to walk away.
"Go back to the shelter," Hikari replied. "At least it's better than being out here."
It seemed like hours before they finally got back to the shelter exit door. Hikari pulled it open and they walked down the narrow hallway. The shelter was uneasily silent. The only sounds to be heard were distant whispers of people in the main room, and the clanging of the heater system. The door to the shelter's restroom was on the hallway's right wall.
"In here," Hikari said as she pulled open the door. The room was completely dark and smelled of rust and dirty water. As she groped her hand along the wall for the light switch, she noticed Pen Pen waddling up to them from down the hall.
"Pen Pen, get my blanket," she called. Pen Pen looked confused for a second, but he quickly turned around and scurried back to the main room. He gathered up the blanket in his clawed flippers and dragged it back towards them. As he came up beside them, Hikari had turned on the light switch.
The restroom was small and dingy, with dented gray walls, floorboards, and ceiling that looked like they hadn't been painted or cleaned in decades. There was one rusty toilet against the right wall and an old brass sink on the left that had trickles of stagnant water along its faucets. A smudged mirror with a long crack in its center hung over the sink. The single square-shaped flourecent light that flickered weakly in the middle of the ceiling offered a poor illumination to the dreary room.
"Could they make this restroom any more depressin'?" Toji grumbled as the group slowly entered. Hikari took the blanket from Pen Pen and folded it open in the middle of the floor. Then, she and Kensuke gently laid Asuka down on it. Blood was still pouring down her cheek from her eye and seeping into the blanket from her arm. She was shivering and panting feverishly.
"Oh, Asuka..." Hikari murmured worriedly, as she absent-mindedly ran her hand along the top of her stained dress. She winced slightly when she touched blood. Pen Pen whimpered distressfully as he sat down next the blanket.
"So, what are we gonna do now?" Toji asked as he came up next to Hikari. She hesitated as she stepped over to the sink and started pulling out a pile of paper towels from the dispenser.
"Listen. Do you two know where they keep all of the emergency medical supplies in this shelter?" she asked as she turned on the sink and held the paper towel under the water.
"Y-yeah..." Toji replied. Then he said more knowingly, "Oh, I get it! C'mon, Kensuke!" He prodded Kensuke on the arm as he pulled open the door and headed out.
"Oh, right," Kensuke said as he followed and pulled the door closed after him. After they left, Hikari knelt down and gently wiped the wet towel along Asuka's pale face.
"Please don't die...Asuka..." she moaned as she tried desperately to fight back the tears forming in her eyes. Pen Pen approached her and leaned his head comfortingly against her shoulder.
Meanwhile, Toji and Kensuke had gotten back to the main room and were heading down a second hallway that was directly across from the first. As they stopped for a moment and glanced around the room, they noticed that the only people left in the shelter were the woman with the sleeping baby, an elderly couple who cowered in the far corner, a man and his son who stood by the window, and a dirty, scruffy looking old man with messy patched clothing who sat against the other window with three beer bottles set out around him.
"Seems like there's hardly anyone left now..." Kensuke muttered.
"Yeah, sure looks that way..." Toji replied as they both headed down the opposite hallway. They stopped in front of a wooden door against the left wall and Toji hastily pulled it open.
They entered a large, brightly lit room with three rows of shelves on each of its walls that were piled with tons of different sized first-aid kits, a variety of medicine bottles, cloths, blankets, and boxes of bandages. About six wheelchairs filled the left corner of the room while a row of oxygen tanks covered the right. Crutches, canes, and folded walkers leaned against the center of the wall.
"Gee, they've got everythin' under the sun in this room," Toji gushed sarcastically as he and Kensuke looked around. "Now if only they'd fix up the crummy restroom." He approached the rows of shelves on the right wall.
"Kensuke, take as much of this stuff as you can carry," he said while pointing to the top shelf with one of his crutches.
"Why do I have to do all of it?" Kensuke complained as he began to pull down about three large first-aid kits and five boxes of bandages from the shelf.
"Well, I'd love to help ya, man, but my arms are kinda occupied," Toji replied, raising his crutches with a teasing chuckle.
"Toji," Kensuke began as he tried to balance his load with one arm while scooping up a pile of cloths with the other. "How come you want to help Sorhyu so badly? I thought you couldn't stand her."
"I can't," Toji replied abruptly. Then, he paused before saying, "But even she doesn't deserve this, you know? I'm not that heartless."
"I knew you'd say that," Kensuke said as he tucked the cloths under his left arm while balancing the six boxes on top of each other in his right. The weight made him shake as he stepped forward.
"Okay, let's go now before my arm breaks..." he mumbled as he tried to see Toji from behind the stack in his arm.
"Yeah," Toji agreed as he held the door open for Kensuke to stumble awkwardly out. After he shut it behind him, he noticed that the young man and his son, as well as the old couple, were no longer in the shelter.
A clanging in the hallway startled Hikari and Pen Pen as they turned towards the restroom door just as Toji and Kensuke came bursting in.
"We're back," Toji announced as Kensuke dropped the first-aid kits, bandage boxes, and cloths clumsily onto the floor. Then, he began to rub his arms painfully.
"Wimp..." Toji quietly muttered.
The shelter was completely silent. Not a single word had been passed for a long twenty minutes between the stricken woman cradling her baby and the man in the raggedy clothes who drowned his aches in the beer that he continually gulped. She had watched him the whole time, throwing back his head and letting the liquid rush down his throat, creating a thrilling escape all his own. Then, he'd yank the bottle away, breathe a satisfied sigh, and repeat the process again. After drinking nearly all of his last bottle, he put it down next to him, pulled a cigarette and match out of his jacket pocket, and proceeded to smoke. As he pulled the cigarette away from his lips and breathed, clouds of smoke rushed out of his mouth and nose and lingered like ominous ghosts around his head. Finally, he spoke, which made the woman jump.
"Ya wanna smoke, lady? Ya look like da nervous type."
"No..." she said, looking away. He smiled shrewdly and picked up the almost empty beer bottle.
"I'd offa ya a drink, but I need all ah can get." He put the bottle to his mouth and began drinking fervently until it was completely empty. With a heavy sigh, he put the bottle down with the others, smushed the cigarette on the floor to put it out, and dropped it down the neck of one of the empty bottles. Then, he got to his feet and stretched while glancing out the window.
"Guess ah might as well get outta here. There ain't nothin' doin' in this city no more. But I dun't got no money fer the train, so I guess I'll just go out 'n stand on toppa that damn hill 'n watch the city go ta hell! Heh, and I'll bet ma last keg a beer that the whole freakin' world will follow soon after!"
He staggered drunkenly over the beer bottles and managed to knock one down with his foot as he headed for the exit door. As he stumbled down the hallway, he turned back to the woman.
"You 'n ya kid best get outta here, too. Why ya still here? Ya waitin' fer ya man or somethin'? He's probably forgotten 'bout ya and run outta the city himself. Are ya just gonna sit here and let 'im ditch ya like that?"
The woman gave a slight shudder and turned her face away indignantly. The man shook his head as he pulled himself down the hallway and through the exit door, which slammed shut after him, causing the other two beer bottles to topple over.
The shelter's restroom was now the only area left in which an air of tension still hung. Within the small bleak room, all five first-aid kits lay open with their contents spread out on the floor around them. The bottles of iodine and rubbing alcohol that they had contained sat open beside a pile of blood stained cloths and a pan full of bloody water. Toji, Kensuke, and Pen Pen had watched intently as Hikari carefully stitched up Asuka's arm before wrapping it up firmly in strips of bandages. Then, she pulled out a wad of gauze from the box, placed it over Asuka's left eye, and secured it down with a few more strips of bandages. She worked tirelessly for nearly an hour until finally, when she finished, she leaned back and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Are you done?" Kensuke asked as Hikari slowly stood up and stretched slightly.
"Yeah," Hikari replied. "The bleeding's finally stopped and she doesn't seem to be hurt anywhere else. She'll probably be all right now."
As Hikari stepped in front of the sink, Toji watched her as she began to wash her hands. Their eyes met in the mirror, and they both immediately looked away.
"I-is something...w-wrong, Suzuhara-kun?" Hikari stammered as she shakily rubbed soap into her hands. Toji smiled at her.
"Nah, I've just never seen someone work so hard to help someone else before. Heh, I'll bet you could be a great doctor if you wanted to!" He laughed jovially as Hikari looked in the mirror and noticed her face turning a crimson hue. She quickly turned away nervously but Toji didn't notice.
The deep recesses of Asuka's subconsciousness were being warped in a dream of spiraling memories. As random images of people and events in her life flash by, she hears the echoing of her own voice.
'What...is this? Am I dead? Is this what death feels like? But...why? Death is supposed to be free of pain, so why...why do these images still give me...pain?'
Suddenly, the images cease and a vision of her mother, with her hair hiding the profile of her face, clutching a rag doll while sitting in a hospital bed.
Her mother's droning, isolated voice. "Your papa doesn't need us anymore. So let's end it together. Die with me!"
Young Asuka's innocent voice crying. "No! Mama, I'll be good! Just please don't stop being my Mama! Look at me, Mama! Please, love me, Mama!"
A door bursting open. Her mother hanging from the ceiling. The rag doll under her, with its head ripped off and splattered with drops of blood from the body. Her mother's tombstone...
Her grandmother's sobbing, sympathetic voice. "You're so strong, Asuka-chan. But it's all right to cry if you need to."
Young Asuka's voice, now hardened and distant. "No, I won't. I'll never cry again. I'll live by myself. I'll think for myself. I don't need Mama, Papa, or anyone!"
Then, visions of people familiar to her.
Kaji. A man. 'If I'm with him, it'll show that I am an adult.'
Misato. Kaji's lover? She's too contrived. A disgusting relationship. '...just two sad adults licking each other's wounds.'
The First Child. Loner. Self-centered. Emotionless wind-up doll. '...you'd kill yourself if you were ordered to!'
Shinji. A boy. Third Child. Competition. 'Baka-Shinji...you could never understand me!'
'...but I can't understand me, either. Sync Ratio 0%. Sync Ratio 0%.'
Asuka sitting in a bathtub of dirty stagnant water, staring up at the broken shower head and hole in the roof.
Her own voice speaking quietly, listlessly. 'Sync Ratio 0%. I can't be an Eva pilot anymore. I have no other reason left to live.'
A crashing sound. Footsteps. A man's voice. Unfamiliar. "Are you Asuka Langley Soryhu?"
Three men approach and pull her comatose body out of the tub.
Their voices. Cold. Unkind. "You've given us the slip long enough. What have you been doing? A beautiful girl like you hasn't been taking care of herself, I see. Time to go back where you belong. Get your clothes on and get on your feet!"
'...fine. Take me away, if you must. I don't care. It doesn't matter. I just don't care anymore...'
Then, looking up from a stretcher. A bright light glaring. Exhaustion. Vision beginning to blur. Doctors. Mingling around. Whispering amongst each other.
One doctor's voice. Female. A little compassion. "Poor girl. She's really weak. And terribly emaciated. She must not have eaten or slept for days. We need to get her to NERV's hospital ward right now..."
'My vision's blurring...blurring. Too weak...can't stay conscious...it doesn't matter. Let me sleep. At least I won't...feel...this...pain...anymore...'
Doctor's voice starts to fade. "Hang on, dear. We're going to help you."
'Who...can...help...me?'
Suddenly, blurred vision becomes darkness. Physical pain, hunger, fatigue, tiredness...all vanish. But mental pain is only numbed.
Darkness. Some peace and quiet. 'Unconsciousness is the only peace...besides death. But what is this? A voice calling me? So faint...but why do I hear it and nothing else?'
"Help me, Asuka..."
'Shinji...?'
"Asuka, please help me. Wake up...Asuka!"
'Baka. I won't help you unless you first learn to at least like yourself. Then, maybe you can start to help yourself, for a change!'
"Asuka, please. Please help me. Call me an idiot like you always do. Just please...help me!"
'No. I won't help you. I can't. Because...I need to help myself first. But how?'
Darkness suddenly becomes blue. Wavy. A lake. 'Inside Eva again? Why am I back in here again? I can't even get this piece of junk to work. But it's only junk because of what I've become. I'm the garbage now.'
Explosions. 'I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die...'
A soft, gentle voice. "You're still alive. You don't have to die. I'm protecting you."
'Mama!'
Eva bursts out of the lake. Unstoppable. AT Field at its strongest. 'I understand now, Mama! The true meaning of the AT Field! You were always with me! Always protecting me!'
The rest of the Eva series. White. Grins. Wings. '...but even with my AT Field I still...couldn't...'
Crashing. Destruction. Then...Power 0:00.
Other Evas reactivate. Attack. Maul and tear. Pain. 'Pain!' They soar like kites out of reach, before the blinding sun. 'I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!'
'Longinisu no Yari?!' A lot them. After that...is...
Darkness again. This time, unwelcoming. 'What else can I do? Mama, I failed...even with you. Why did I live to discover the true AT Field if I was just going to die painfully immediately afterwards? It's just not fair. My Eva's...gone. What else is there left? Why did I live this long? If I was going to suffer through all this today and end up dying in failure, I should've just died...back then...'
Another memory, more clearer than the rest, begins to take shape. A quaint little house surrounded by trees. 'Hikari's house. Yes, I stayed there for a while. I was probably such depressing company. She let me stay, even though all I did was ditch school, play video games, and lament all day. But she never complained. Even when I tried...to...'
The memory begins to change to an image of Asuka standing in loose pajamas in front of a bathroom mirror that's hanging over a sink. She stares blankly at her stricken reflection for a moment before firmly grasping a razor in her trembling right hand and holding it tentatively over her left wrist. She moves it down slowly, her hand shaking rapidly, as she tries to hold back the sobs in her chest. The door creaks open. She looks back into the mirror and sees Hikari standing in the doorway, her brown hair down, also in pajamas, a stunned expression on her face. But she shakes it off fast and lunges forward.
"No, Asuka!"
She smacks the razor out of Asuka's hand. It richochets off the rim of the toilet seat and lands in the toilet water. She comes up behind Asuka, wraps her arms around her chest, and pulls her close.
"You weren't in bed...I'm so glad I didn't just ignore it. Please, Asuka. Don't do that," she says pleadingly, sobs shaking her voice. "I know you're suffering...but you mustn't...throw your life away!"
'I have nothing left, Hikari...' Asuka's voice is dull. Lifeless. 'I hate everyone. I hate myself. I have...nothing left to live for...'
Hikari tightens her grip around Asuka. "Don't say that! Saying that you hate everyone and yourself is just an easy way for you to label the pain that you're feeling now. But it's not as simple as that! Even now you're still alive because of our bond. If you hated me, I wouldn't be here to save you from yourself! As long as one person cares whether you live or die, you should keep living. Can't you see, Asuka? It doesn't have to be as bad as you think."
Asuka doesn't respond. For once, she's at a loss for words.
Hikari continues. "As long as you can move, and breathe, and think, and change your future...isn't that a good enough reason to keep on going? If you're unhappy now, then do something different. We don't live to pity ourselves. We live to better ourselves."
Asuka slowly turns her head around. 'Hikari...'
Hikari tries to smile and her voice grows gentler. "If you were to kill yourself now, just think how sad you would make everyone who knows you. I know I would be really sad if you died, Asuka. Ikari-kun and Katsuragi-san would be devastated, too. Even Suzuhara-kun and Aida-kun would be upset. I don't know why we form such bonds with the people we know...just promise me you won't try something like this again..."
Asuka looks away. '...I guess...it's the least I could do after all you've done for me...'
Hikari releases her hold on Asuka and smiles. "Please try to find a purpose to keep on going, Asuka. Maybe you can't see it now, but when you do, you'll be glad that you didn't end your life before your time. I know you can find that purpose, not just for the people who care about you, but for yourself. Until that time comes, you've got to keep trying to move forward. Find out why you came here...why you even exist at all..."
Asuka looks down and her hair falls and covers her face. 'I...still...don't know what to do, Hikari...the purpose I'm looking for...What is it? Where is it? When is it? Why is it?'
Silence. A vision of blackness once again. But it's fuzzy and unstable, as if on the brink of bursting away.
Asuka's voice seems to fill the entire dark void. But, for the first time, there's an inkling of sincere hope in her tone. '...maybe...maybe, all this...it really is leading to something greater...'
The blackness jiggles and shakes.
'...maybe...I just have to be patient...try to endure the pain...and I'll finally find...'
The blackness fades to a pale shade of grey.
'...my answer...my purpose...not as the pilot of a giant robot...but something more. Somehow I've made it through everything. Why should my life end so abruptly after all that?'
The grey slowly grows dimmer and dimmer.
'Yes! I want...to go on living! I want discover meaning in myself! I want to find out why I still exist!'
The grey suddenly bursts into a brilliantly shining white light.
'There's no way I'm dying without a purpose!'